relationships cloud the mind.

"Someday my pain / Someday my pain will mark you
Harness your blame / Harness your blame, walk through..."

m

så här är det. läget alltså. jag har aldrig tidigare haft någon som jag har någon nu. någon att "vara gullig med". aldrig tidigare har jag levt så inpå någon och ändå lyckats behålla mitt jag. aldrig tidigare har jag varit så lycklig.

det är det jag tänker på då det är mörkt och kallt både utom- och inomhus. då det är just lite för många centimetrar mellan honom och mig. då vi missförstår. sen förstår vi igen. vi minns. hela den där långa ramsan om missförstånd - behov - svaghet - att veta att man inte vet allt - sedan minnas att man visst vet allt - sen ifrågasätta vad det där allt nu egentligen var - och sen fullständigt och uppenbart minnas och veta att allt är kärlek.

då vi kan håller vi om varandra. jag har sett det på tv bara. det där med armen runtomkring, mysa mysa och han kryper upp i min ryggrad så vi båda kan sova tryggt. sånt som man ser på tv, film eller streamat från megavideo. verklighetskärleken är här. den håller om mig, kryper upp i min ryggrad och under min hud.

nu blir det onsdag, torsdag (julafton! hmpf, firade vintersolstånd igår), fredag och sen. sen hoppas jag att han fortfarande vill vara gullig med mig och använda den där armen. kanske hålla mig i handen där på den där festen som kommer att bli så bra (JINGLE JAMS!) för att jag verkligen aktiverat mig och försökt uppbringa all kraft till att göra musikföreningen levande igen. jag kommer att presentera honom för människor. jag kommer att pussa på honom.

om han bara låter mig.

för det är ett medvetet val. han är ett medvetet val. och det är kärlek det. med armen och allting. det har varit ett bra år. det bästa året. jag har hittat hem, hem igen och än en gång hem. saker och människor och ting har fallit på plats även om allt är lika ovisst som tidigare. jag har blivit skivbolagschef, hippie och det närmaste man kommer till flickvän helt i enlighet med friheten vi valt åt oss.

2009. året då jag sade upp relation med min far, fick en ny mamma, startade skivbolag, började tro på kärlek och sedan fann sådan också. överallt och inuti. ett bra år.

//a.

any day of the week

Saturday spent in hippie residence.

paulo coelho

"No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

what i used to write

I've been reading some of my own blogs. Old posts. From years ago. I said some beautiful shit then even though I felt anything but. Beautiful, I mean. Shit I probably felt like a lot of those times. But I wrote some beautiful shit. Then.

Now I question my ability to get shit done. To get shit written. I stare myself blind at my faults as he kindly points them out just by being there. By loving what I used to hate. Now I question my ability to get shit done. Now when they're trying to convince me to do what I do best. Oh, I want to. For them. But I don't know if my best is good enough.

There's a balance in the universe. We're never cold at the same time. There's always someone to warm the other. Now I wonder if that does me any good. If that will be beautiful shit when I get it written down. I wonder if I can get that written down at all.

Years ago I wrote:

"Me being here is not an act of fate.
Do I write as an artist or a rebel?"

Now I wonder if I write as an artist or a lover?
Where is the rebel in me that creates the art I love so dearly?
What is a lover's tale?

//a.

Univocal Women

UNIVOCAL WOMEN is a joint effort between Anna Phoenix, Datle and Désirée Saarela. They played solo and together in a cosy livingroom environment last week. After Eight in Jakobstad and Skafferiet at Ritz in Vasa. Intimate and soulful. Three very different singer-songwriters, with three very similar messages. Love.

"the

only

constant

is

change"

I am my own medication

Things are spinning fast and I'm finding my Self more solid and passionate than in a long time. I know who's to blame, and I'm glad it turned out this way. People are worrying about getting sick instead of not worrying, staying healthy and believing in the powers of their own bodies. And the powers of love.

I'm no guru. But I for one has not seen enough to believe whatever media is putting out there. Or maybe I've seen enough to not believe it all.

I know what I believe in. My Self.

light

this is what i feel.
light.
love.
and hope that is
100% pure goodness.

anna järvinen played at ritz in vaasa on friday.
a superb gig with a superb singer and songwriter,
and a superb band.

"kom hem...
vem ska annars se på mig
som om världen var vacker bredvid mig..."

wilson <3

"the best thing that you can do is take whatever comes to you."


words of truth a week like this. let's continue living with the flow.
the flow is pretty awesome, by the way, once you find it.
i lost it for a while but it's back. back to stay.


the warmest of beds, the softest of sheets.
the highest of highs, flows, existences,
loves, hopes, experiences.

a.

tingle

Univocal Music has got an intern this week. That's awesome because it means I get work done too. Recording, PR, Photoshopping and much more. Very good indeed. The intern happens to be good at what she does, and an amazing singer too. This is a good week.

But again I'm facing a lot of big questions. I'm re-questioning everything once more. What is life, love and all the things, light and dark, that occur during the experience of both? A tingle in any part of the body as the bed grows warmer with company? An answer to a question never uttered? A statement made during one of those countless MSN-conversations? A smile?

Maybe the tingle speaks the loudest. Now I want to finish what was started, so I can miss it tomorrow. Re-experience it in my mind. Re-question nothing as answers settle calmly in between my sheets.

Tingle me, tingle you, tingle us together.
//a.

VW = LOVE

I had the two most amazing photoshoots ever with Anna Phoenix and Porcelain the other day. A nice man let us use his Volkswagen cars for the shots I wanted. Much love in those old cars. And in the pictures. Can you see that?

two moms are better than one

i officially have two moms now.
thank you universe for great progress
in the political department.

mom Leena and mom-mom:

<3

Opus Symbiosis

One day the other week I found an old collection of poems. I was shocked at how much I actually had forgot about my life and my thoughts five years ago. There was so much nostalgia just reading the poems, then seeing Opus Symbiosis live at Doo-Bop Club in Vasa on Friday was the ultimate flashback for me. Lots of those poems told the story of my days with the band, hanging out in their rehearsal space, hanging out with them anywhere, writing and performing the hit song "alex rocks"... Being their first and true fan.

They still rock in general, and they still rock my world. There's something in the knowledge that I supported V in his lyricwriting, that I've been singing along to those songs all these years, that I've seen them grow the way I have - as people and as a band.

Opus still has a piece of my heart <3

Say goodbye to Hugo leaving

I got terrible news today. I never knew him well, but we share a friend so deep in sorrow now I fear for both their lives. I am shaking just like he stuttered, and I am freezing as this night meets me upon the shoulder of goodbyes. All I can do is live, but what is life if not means to be there for each other? Those means, those possibilities, those tools, mean less and less to me tonight.

And I listen to Epitaph by King Crimson. And then I turn to Leonard Cohen. To speak my truth, honestly, just like he knows me. And that truth goes out to all of you:

Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The God of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.

Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.

It's not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.

And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving;
Alexandra leaving with her lord.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for the occasion;
In full command of every plan you wrecked
Do not choose a cowards explanation
That hides behind the cause and the effect.

And you who were bewildered by a meaning;
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

a night of jazzy tunes

YESTERDAY I ATTENDED THE jeppis jazz festival. I REALLY COULDN'T AFFORD IT BUT WITH THE HELP OF SOME great FRIENDS AND SOME GOOD LUCK I GOT MYSELF A FREE TICKET. MAN, AM I HAPPY I DID! I SAW SOME REALLY awesome BANDS, INCLUDING; ANDREAS JACOBSON QUINTET, PETER ENROTH & CO, AMÉLIE GOES TO BELGRAD AND THE SOULFUL lotta kerbs & the napkins (PHOTOS).

OF COURSE I HAD TO CONQUER SOME fears JUST GOING THERE. I DON'T REALLY LIKE NIGHTS OUT WITHOUT A STEADY GROUP OF FRIENDS. I GUESS I FEARED THE THOUGHT OF BEING LEFT alone IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS. I'M GLAD none OF MY FEARS CAME TRUE. THE PLACE WAS JAM PACKED OF MUSICIANS, AND FRANKLY I SEEM TO KNOW A LOT OF MUSICIANS BECAUSE I MET SOME GREAT PEOPLE AND HAD A GREAT TIME! AND I DANCED! MAN, DID I dance!

THIS IS WHAT I PLAN TO DO WITH MY LIFE - I REALLY FELT IT COMING ON STRONG LAST NIGHT. LIVING within THE MUSIC, SEEING ALL THESE GREAT BANDS, MEETING ALL THESE AWESOME PEOPLE, AND FUTURE COLLEAGUES - AND KNOWING THAT ALL IT TAKES IS TALENT AND GOOD FRIENDS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH.

//a.

rock n' bottom

I was pretty close on hitting rock bottom the other day. I guess it kills me to have to return bottles to afford food. Loneliness kills me too. But I didn't hit it. In fact I'm heading upwards again. I aim on floating around on the surface pretty soon.

It feel like I've been on the road with Porcelain forever, even though it was only two gigs last weekend. It was good though. I was low, but their spirit always gets me back up again. It's all about Benny, the missing wallet and spooning until knees break.

JISSES! I really do love my hippies.

//Sasquatch-lover.

UNIVOCAL IS ONLINE!

Check out www.univocalmusic.com and our services, artists and merchandise.

I had an amazing shoot with Datle the other day. Results will be up on Univocal's website soon, but so far this is one of my favourites.

part of the dream

i've said many times these past few months that i'm living part of the dream. my dream. they say hope is the last thing that leaves the body. i guess dreams go right before that. plans you can toss out at any time. but dreams, man. hope. can't live without either of them.

i'm living part of my dream. maybe i'm even living THE dream. i have my own record label. i write my music together with awesome sister. my thoughts and feelings get heard. i have friends, and i get to be one. i'm always right by my friends when things go good or bad. they're beside me.
i'm with the band. THE band. i'm not in it, but i'm with it. i do whatever i can for them, practical things, and i won't ever fail as their groupie or friend. everyone needs someone to talk to outside the bubble, i'm that someone. i'm happy to be that someone.

i feel loved. sometimes more, sometimes less. but always, anyhow. i feel appreciated for my work, and for being there. sometimes more, sometimes less. but always. i could live without my friends. they could live without me, no doubt. but it would be both our losses. this is THE DREAM. i'm honoured to have these people be part of it.

i really do have a lot of love. i know just where to put it.

//a.

FREEFALL FESTIVAL o9

Anna Phoenix & The Awesome Concept opened the FreeFall festival in Jakobstad yesterday. It was probably one of our best gigs ever. Porcelain went on stage later and performed wonderfully. My respect for them grows each day.
Business was also good for our record label which was represented in one of the tents. I truly believe in music. There is NOTHING like it. It's like the whitest shade of pale, and the brightest colours all at once.

PORCELAIN LIVE AT LIDSTOCK o9

I was the ultimate groupie and spent all yesterday with Porcelain on the road. They played a great gig and I'm happy to be part of their crew. A whole lot of love.

THE AWESOME CONCEPT

Kontext, Konvex, Konfitti & Konkav <3

so anna phoenix played at island in the sun on jurmo this weekend. it was awesome. we were awesome. i haven't laughed that much at "that's what she said"-jokes before. i haven't gotten sunburnt and mosquito bitten that much before and loved it anyway. the boys were truly awesome and i almost wish they didn't have their own (awesome) band so we could have them to ourselves forever and ever.
there's so much to say about the trip but it's all insider and you wouldn't understand anyway.

i love you. now THAT'S what she said. <3

pink floyd

i saw them last night. well, sort of. other cover bands should watch out because last night's show was incredibly tight and felt incredibly short for a two hour set!

it was just like the parties i've blogged about before. the same group of hippies hugging and dancing while singing pink floyd. the only difference was the fact that K was on stage and we were surrounded by a bunch of Finnish people. And Leo of course.

<3

AND THE MISKEY-WHILKSHAKE!

So there was THE GREAT BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION this week. Me and a friend celebrated our joint 45th birthday together with those hippie pranksters from hell. Gladly (or sadly) there are no pictures from later that evening when the nudist club had their (our) first meeting. No miskey-whilkshakes or DIREKTÖRER made the spotlight. GLADLY.

We started out at 3pm or so. By 8pm I think I got married. A whole bunch of us actually. Las Vegas-wedding? Yes, please. By 11 we were playing Truth or Dare. Too much was said and done, but we won't mind. Sometime around midnight we made it to the sauna and to the water. By 2am I think we finally ate dinner. What happened after that is mostly a beautiful blur. By 6am we hit our beds with Gilmour on the stereo.

Birthday people. Recently married.

Cutting the cake.

Hippie braids. Of course.

Lovable Harju with braid.

Yes, I managed to take a nice photo late at night.

But this is sort of how the night ended.
The rest is censored.

Thank you, hippies. I love you lots.

that's not okay.
that's not fair.
it's not anywhere near okay or fair.

damn it.

[miss]understood

i said everything i wanted to say in those lines. i realize that not everyone get my words, their meaning, their order and what's said between the lines. i'm glad that's the case. they're not for everyone's ears, so to speak. but i said those things for someone to get it. i do expect a response. maybe i shouldn't. maybe i shouldn't say those things, spill the beans in the manner i tend to. maybe i shouldn't put secrets in lyrics - just in case someone actually got the point. someone who shouldn't have. then again - i live for the way i strip my soul. in my head my thoughts do no good. in my head the things i want to tell people do no good. the people should hear those things. honesty.

i said everything i wanted to say in those lines. spread out over a couple of songs and blogs. but it's all there. did he get it? like, really get it?

do i want him to?

past/passed lives

this week i confirmed my belief in the soul, the brain, the paranormal and the presence of someone. i got a lot of other things confirmed too. i guess that makes this week a good week, even though i'm coughing my lungs out.

for everyone asking: no, i don't have a job. i haven't heard about any job offers. i'm not really looking for a job. i have no interest in working this summer.
i freelance. i do okay. i manage. for the first time ever i don't know what will happen next. it's so uncertain, but a certain fact. it actually keeps me calm. the possibilities are endless, and i'm not looking into any of them at the moment.
i am writing, playing, drinking, fucking, living, kissing, listening, sleeping, coughing, and spending time with those who matter. it's not a bad life, this hippie life. i do okay. i manage.

i don't want this life to pass me by, i just won't let it. working 9 to 5 isn't my thing. starting a family, having children, cats, dogs and picket fences isn't my thing. this is. this is my thing. i do okay. i manage. i love.

PROPAGANDA

Check out www.annaphoenixmusic.com for gigs!

And once again - this band is one to keep your eyes and ears peeled on!
www.myspace.com/porcelainprog

THE GREAT MIDSUMMER EXTRAVAGANZA

yes, it was pretty much everything that anyone could want. by the water, sauna hot, alcohol running through veins and bones. friends, oh, the friends. barbecue exploding, on the roof with fear and love. extravagant, yet not dramatic. i guess i sometimes miss the drama. the touch of a mistake or a let-down. i know them so well. i embrace them always. but maybe quiet happiness is something i should get to know better. explore. from drama to silence. the complete trip. this is phase IV. i don't want to be scared.

//a.

things happen

these past few days have been filled with insights. almost too many to handle. i'm gonna write them down and i'm gonna try to take them all in. you do the same.



you have to be open for love in which ever form it's given.


and when things happen, like they always do, don't be afraid to live in the NOW, and then to leave it there. it can be a bubble in time that have no negative effect on the past, the present or the future. carry the insanity of the moment with you as a reminder of living right here and now is a good thing. so, regrets aren't always mistakes. true. but regret is still a negative feeling, very useless in the end. take that bubble and:

keep it somewhere just beyond the borders of reality, some place close enough to insanity to make it pleasurable. regrets never result in progress.

i believe in love. in which ever form. and when you express love, or receive love, in which ever form - don't regret it. appreciate it. acknowledge that you're worth that love.

things happen. they really do. and it's always for the best - if you make it that way.

i need a softer world

it's like they tell me stuff exactly when i need to hear it.
please bookmark these geniuses.
A SOFTER WORLD.

LOVE FEST!

Oh my, it took me nearly 23 years to experience the ultimate party. It was held at my place last night. I can't even describe the love I felt both physically and emotionally. It was the most beautiful heartache ever.

We hugged.

We drank.

We played.

We laughed.

We opened up to each other.

We played for the masses too.

We even played with the masses.

We kissed.

We hugged some more.

And maybe we even had our low moments when we thought about life.