plans

sis <3

i am trying to know what to do with my life, next summer, this new year that is barging in on us. it's a good thing me and sis have plans. it's a good thing my boys and i have plans. it's a good thing new year's is planned. a cottage in the woods. i couldn't be happier.

on my mind:
berlin
piteå
mexico
seattle
san francisco
borgå

tavastehus :)



in my head:
paolo nutini - last request


//al.

shine a light

i'm balancing on a fine line between disappointment and gratefulness. christmas spirit? i don't know. things move so fast when there's a party and you talk, no boundaries, you resolve everything and move on. things move so fast when things are understood but in the wrong sense, and you can't resolve anything and you still have to move on.

you should never push anyone away just for caring. you might think you don't need this friend now, you've got enough friends that care. still, you should never push anyone away for caring. someday you might not afford it.

this is what i'm telling you. misunderstand if you feel like it, but i'm moving on. this is you having to resolve everything yourself.

jolly.

VCC

photo by: toffelito.

a new movie is being filmed. this is me and toffa hiding out in the Virtual Command Center.

musketeers

watching american pie 2 on my ceiling.
iik, longjohn and toffelito.

"regissören"

it's time to enter the cutting room. the short film "regissören" has finally been filmed, it's over, it's done. this week has been too much, too little, of nothing, of everything. i've directed, sometimes bad, sometimes good. i've also taken direction when needed. i've shouted silence, camera, action and such things. i've spent the nights having dinner with him and them, planning for the next day, never getting enough rest. i have believed in the film, and lost that belief. i've gotten disappointed. mostly in myself. but i haven't cried.

well, until it was over. people who have never worked with film will never understand, and that's fine. but the intensity... my god, i just needed a safe place, something to hold me down, hold me still when it was all over. but no one was there.

what now? oh yeah. moving and moving on. next week a new movie is being filmed. it's not my movie.

and yes, this is a sigh of relief. *sigh*

ANNA PHOENIX @ AE 7.11.2007

det var första gången. det var fullsatt. det var helt jävla fantastiskt.

isstjärnor

NI ÄR MINA ISSTJÄRNOR



"the cure is if you let in just a little more of love
i promise you this; a little's enough"

inflyttningsfest

//vi bjöd in oss själva, trängde oss på. vi plockade i och ur hans lådor, möblerade och hällde upp tequila. vi spelade poker om tusentals dollar men inte så engagerat att vi inte kunde glömma spelet mitt i för dans i horisontalt läge. jag sov på ett nattkallt golv hos honom och kände mig välkommen trots kylan och mattans ludd över hela mig.//








//edit:

och han gav mig musik. angels and airwaves bland annat.

"I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you'll let me near
Where are those secrets now?
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself"

duffing

i'm getting tight with my scars
while i'm laughing my ass off

...

I got over it

I got over it until I wasn’t over it anymore

Went too far, and wound up back here again

I really don’t know what for

beroende/oberoende

jag sade att han var beroende av oberoende. han sade att han bara undvek beroende. det är en viss skillnad. jag är beroende av beroende, och undviker oberoende. tja, eller det intalar jag mig själv när jag inte kan åstadkomma oberoende.

the quest

i am on a constant quest. i search for people, moments, feelings, embraces, photographs, lyrics. constantly.

recently i've been very tired of sitting around, not asking, not craving, not going and doing. it's an inner and outer quest, and i will now try to make it an outer quest even more. to take the step out of my own mind, my own dreams, my own ambitions. the step towards creating reality instead of fantasy.

i ask for co-writers, models. i ask for music, poetry. i go after what doesn't come to me. i try to dare.

it's not easy. not by any means. but whatever career i will have, whatever life, whatever relationships - they depend on me reaching for them. needing them and actually getting them. so if i ask you something, don't think i'm insane. i'm finally getting in touch with my sanity. embrace my quest.






p.s. i'm not a cat person, but there has been something about eyes lately. anyone's eyes.

united

iik, longjohn, toffelito, al.
united we stand.

oktoberdygn i solf

vi var 80-talister en oktoberkväll på den österbottniska landsbygden. vi spelade kimble och drack te ur koppar äldre än oss. jag vann.

they stole my heart in mariestad

what do you see when you look in the mirror?

stockholm 101

jag har tänkt och tänkt men hittar inte de rätta orden att beskriva stockholmshelgen. poesin och sanningen hittar säkert sin väg in i min bok, och i mina låttexter, men inte hit.

sara kallar det för stockholmskarusellen och visst är det så. den snurrar med olika fart i intervaller, men man är alltid yr och man vill nästan alltid spy. men besöker man stockholm tillräckligt sällan är det en berg - och dalbana och man är alltid på topp.

så var det för mig. allt jag kan säga är döda hjältar, mesiga bankjävlar och riksfjollor, ace och high fives, deppdiskussioners sundhet, pappor, vin, cigaretter. rosetter. kramper. lycka.

men är det inte fascinerande hur man kan påbörja en kväll så utan förväntningar, och ändå avsluta den så jävla besviken?

nåväl. stockholm var vackert och människorna likaså. tack. tack.

LYCKA!

för andras skull. efter en ensam flaska vin igår kändes det lite motigt. sådär i livet. men goda nyheter, ord om joghurt och hans lena stämma på ett comviq kontantkort räddade mig. som innan, då, nu, alltid.

då när jag sitter i ett mysigt hus med färger som grönt, mörkbrunt och regnbåge och skriver mina ord som faktiskt är leverne. då när gitarren inte längre är dammig, och jag har nycklar till fler lokaler än nu. då när mina foton hittat hem, och minnena är mjukare, ärren ljusare. då ringer jag åt en vän och vi äter middag på den restaurang som "we always go to". då är det honom jag ringer. precis som nu.

a.

GO, PAUSE, GO BACK

de tre tangentbordsfrågorna (eller är det konstateranden?) släpper mig inte. kanske en helg i stockholm kan rädda mig från destruktiv men vacker kentlyrik och tankar om att förstöra, bara en enda medmänniska, bara en enda gång. det är väl å andra sidan bara så mycket en människa klarar av.

jag skulle kunna bo här. med de bästa. någongång.

”och när vi ser oss omkring är det

genom dina rättfärdiga blå

jag granskar till och med mig själv

genom dina ögon och jag hatar det så

fyll min mun med din

fyll min tid med någonting

fyll min mun med din alldeles för kalla tunga”

(kent - istället för ljud)

malmö är okej

"Jag satt på ett tåg snett mittemot en kille jag skulle komma att se en gång till samma dag, men mycket senare. Mittemot en tjej som gav mig frågor. Jag undrade om jag var på väg mot något eller på väg från något annat. GO, PAUSE eller GO BACK står det på tangentbord och instrumentbräden. JAG VET INTE. ”Ljudet av alla som respekterar mig” står det på en ateljévägg. JAG VET. Återvänder jag till dig, eller är jag fortfarande på väg, har jag inte nått?

Bara minuter och metrar utanför Centralen stannade tåget för rött ljus. Det sägs att om en minut är vi i rullning och sedan ett utropat NU! när rullningen påbörjades. Det är visst något visst med ett helt tåg som skrattar unisont.

Jag steg av tåget, älskade mina skors ljud mot golvet i väntsalen och styrde de välljudande stegen mot vad jag trodde var ett litet torg. Som bestämt träffade jag en vän, konstnär och marknadsundersökare. Jag fick två kramar och tre flaskor cola. Jag gav två av mina flaskor åt en gatumusikant och bubblade av skratt inuti. Jag köpte tre skivor, såna som anses äkta, och som jag väntar på att drunkna i. Jag åt en falafel med den tredje colan, hatade min storlek vid UFF och Myrorna, kastades fram och tillbaka i en dödsfälla till stadsbuss och kom tidigt till ett försenat tåg. Malmö är okej.

Vi handlade mat där det kändes som att man jobbade. Jag fick köra kundvagnen men läste GITTAN på en bok och krockade i butiksberg. Morbror satt på en hamburgerbar och drömde sig bort i solnedgångshimmel. Vi tog flaggor med oss hem. På den ena som inte är längre längre står det HENRIK 7/9/07. Den fick jag och den hänger nu tillsammans med den andra i min håla och jag är lite hemma."

Än en gång har jag missat skönhet på grund av fördomar. "Så som i himmelen" var riktigt riktigt bra.

lördag / jag är okej på något sätt

jag gick på promenad idag. jag var inte ensam alls.


mina nya ecco.

jag blev bjuden på fest.

fatal traffic accident.

jag samtalade lite med snigeln. jag lade mig ner på marken för jag ville ju inte se ner på den.

ett vackert tak. kanske det vackraste.

jag tog den hand som räcktes mig.



jag vet inte om jag tror på änglar. men finns de har de varit här.

so now i call myself a photographer

Klosse J Wistbacka once said: "it seems to me that photography is 20% light, 30% where you put the camera, and 50% how the photographer relates to her subject."

i think i see hanna, and she sees me. so i call myself a photographer.

is this the new me?

photo by ulrika.

det finns inget annat än MUSIC

and VÄNSKAP.

there's nothing like DIMMA

eller SISTERHOOD.

of course death contains beauty

hospitals and surgery and missing out on thunder

so much blood used for determining what i am and what is wrong with that. it's not that bad and surgery will be later on. hopefully. now i want to focus on getting to sweden. getting it all written out. spoken out. lived out.

spent the weekend away from thunder. unfortunately. spent the weekend with me and movies that made me believe in functionality. held your hand sometimes, cooked us dinner, watched them smile over pennies and choirs.

i think i've left him behind now. i admire them too much. i love my sanity too much. i fear heart break too much. for now. so many heart beats used for determining what he is and what is great about that. it's not good enough. i'm glad that's the case.

//sicky.

PS. the photo is me and my sister not being able to contain ourselves. it was late. it was misty. it was post-music-madness.

this is time passing

time passes fast during summer nights, hot and bright, during summer days of rain and vodka-dreaming reality-slips. i make up words to conquer my own anxiety and i wonder why my whole body itches. i hear her voice on the radio. it sooths me while my heart dreams nightmares about stockholm and losing what i'll never be able to call your loss. not mine either, since i never had it. you.

time passes fast and i'm sure you spent at least a minute reading this. was it worth it?

fog over the river and a hairy beast

helsinki and borgå were, once again, memorable. twisting and turning reality, but living, nonetheless. but it would be easier if everything was okay, if they were, if i was. but there's a time for everything, and this time it was musicians and late-night-taxi-rides.

this tuesday was also memorable. i was fighting the good girl in me and decided to let loose once more before my job starts (that's tomorrow). i went to a party arranged for the applicants to our school. i drank and i talked and i met up with beautiful people like T and K. i was laughed at, and with. i was hired, and we shook hands. i touched favourite hair, and non-hair.
quite early me and the T&K-combination made our way to T's. it was time for more drinking, more talking and a movie. 'round 3am K was falling asleep and i had to get him to a bed. mine was the widest. we stumbled through the little town, with fog over the river. we had no shoes, no barriers, and i had the beautifully haired friend next to me. i knew it'd be worth the hangover.

we slept, some more than others. snoaring is charming and all, but i could have made it without it. but i'm all smiles. a few hours later we stumbled to school. no shoes, but the barrier of being tired and sober. still i was inspired. i had found a friend. and that is how i go on. with life, and writing about it.

bizarre

the weekend in borgå with the loved ones was bizarre in ways i can never explain. it was all the booze and their unholy smoke. the way he held my hand softly. the way i waited to the very last minute to kiss him just as softly. the way i don't know if i will ever see him again.
my sisters, my brothers, from other mothers, from other worlds - we come together and i am not myself and i am myself more than ever before. on a train on the way home i listened to counting crows and i know there's always a reason if that's what i need, we need. mr jones and my green skirt, me humming in the night and his laughs. the one hour sleep, the sunrise walk we never took. and the way i waited to the last minute.

late sunday nights

i got a '77 minolta camera in my hand yesterday and rushed off to meet ulrika and try it out. we went crazy in the windy present with flashes and poses. at one point we laughed so hard i had to stop the car when i couldn't see anything because of all the tears. it had to do with latters and my stupidity. we will surely live a lot longer after that moment.

i hope the photos will turn out alright. it was a night worth saving. no matter if i get it in hard copy or not. i stumbled home sometime past midnight. i put on some wentus blues band and when i couldn't sleep because of nightmares i recited letters i'll never write.

//a.

p.s. as you can see some pics turned out beautifully.

filming - check!

now the filming is done and it's time for me to take over. in my solitude i will edit, color correct and bring out the essence of christian. i hope i will succeed.

the pic is of christoffer, my amazing photographer, and christian, the heart of the documentary.

BARNKALAS :)

my guests in order from left to right and down: alexandra, sonia, vijay, besfort (the birthday kid, turning 21!) and tommi. we ate cake and talked about sex. that's normal for a kid's b-day party, right!? :)

sweden.

for some reason i've never really liked sweden. at least not when i was younger. i guess i didn't see what others saw, i don't to this day. but lately i've found music that has turned me over, i've found futures that could turn me over even more. a fall with notes and cables. for a while, with b & t maybe, later on. and now i'm off to sweden for this easter-weekend. my family and my gradma' are visiting my uncle in kristianstad - and i can't wait. for real. just getting away, getting a chance to breathe. i'm gonna love every second of it. but imma miss u, both of u.

when i get back. //a.

p.s. i'm now writing on sonja bishop's new album and though it's not my style, or my own little creation i feel inspired. this is what i'll do for a living someday, in some form. and i'm loving it.

lessons learned

ray lamontagne with his "lessons learned" has got me bound.

[LaMontagne does not consider himself an entertainer; he writes, records, and performs his music and hopes that, in so doing, sheer passion and music will triumph. "I always just express myself," he says. "I just kind of let them go, my songs. There are songwriters and musicians out there who are entertainers. They have so much fun. I envy that sometimes. They're having such a great time."

For LaMontagne, songwriting does not exist as a task that one completes irrespective of whatever else goes on in the life of the songwriter: Instead, the work takes shape and flight as the result of what happens to the songwriter. "Songs come from different places," LaMontagne says. "Some are like exercises. They could be very good songs. But others come from more purely emotional places."]

last fractions

the last fractions of my sister's ep are now recorded. left is mixing and mastering. release in may. i feel so good about this. i feel like i'm actually doing something.

i had a good day today. the kind that makes you wanna take that next step, wake up one more day, live this life to its' end. a day walking around in the city with my best friend, drinking coffee and laughing over retirement, looking at cds we can't afford and watching old men throwing up. it's spring.

this scream is the past.

adrenaline

a rush of adrenaline through my body as past and present met on the dancefloor. i would have defended you to the grave. and as i watch one last episode of the OC i cry rivers and think of all the stupid fights and how we've gotten through them. i think of T.I.-kisses and holding your hand. things that make me certain. best friends is forever and for always. i thank you for everything you've done for me, and everything you continue doing. i thank you for loving me. you're my adrenaline.

***

a week or two, then yet another fight. i wish it wouldn't drain me like it does. but i just won't take the first step. i just won't say i'm sorry, because this time i wasn't all that wrong.
the studio is one of the best things that ever happened to me, but will i let it ruin us? no, i'll step back if i have to. but then again - what are we without the music? tell me, tell me.

***

i was brave today too. i told him what i felt, and that it wasn't what he thought, and that he needed to get over himself. i was so scared, but i had to. sometimes you just have to. have to not shut up all the time. and the response calmed me. miscommunicated signals. we're okay, we're good. giggety-giggety.

***

time for dinner and jazz. relax me, c, s & a-s.

***

SJÄLAKLIPP

igår saknade jag dem, ikväll blir det nog likadant. det är som om varje minut tillbringad i deras frånvaro är bortkastad. som om musiken spelar i deras takt, livet flimrar förbi i deras takt, mitt hjärta slår i deras takt. så om världen skulle gå under ikväll - ja, då skulle den gå under i otakt.

men så kan man inte tänka, tänker jag och nynnar "come on gjarosi, nönönönö..." NI ÄR MITT SJÄLAKLIPP.

don't break just because i'm broken

wow, another amazing weekend recording my sister's ep. this time we had our friend joni on acoustic guitar, but we also made some plans on totally re-recording the piano songs on a real grand. joni's tight playing resulted in the song we had had least feelings for becoming our favourite. don't break just because i'm broken is also one of my favourite lyrics to this day. anna is proud of her singing and i'm sure proud of my lyrics. i have something to say. will you listen?

fractions EP

it is finally off the ground, the first recordings were made last saturday and sunday with my sister in the studio. we're feeling the music, breathing it. <3

it's a good week. a great week. today i met up with an old friend and singer discussing one of my songs that she will record on friday. i felt like a real songwriter, as well as we shared past and present. memories of the warmth in freezing together that rainy summer night. <3

i hugged one of my best friends goodbye today. he'll be out of town for over a week, so me and B will more or less live in his place/the studio for the time being, taking care of the cats. our little family is the best thing i have. <3

the pic is from the recording sessions. //alex.