liebe and tea

Angst.
Liebe.
No fear!

that's the three photos i chose from albert braun's exhibition: Me, Myself, Nykarleby [the World] and Friends. i chose them because it's who i was, who i am, and what i strive for.

today i had tea with lisa. we talked about liebe and music, and the way both unite people. now i will spend some time with those who matter the most and experience alcohol and music, and watch the way they unite us.

this was a good day. one of many to come. //alexandra.

p.s. the pic is from a photo shoot i did with these two girls, låttah and hana. portrait of a friendship.

one of those days.

i've been feeling upside-down since the day you cried. that doesn't mean i don't care. that doesn't mean i hated your tears. that doesn't mean i didn't want to comfort you. it just means that i hate myself for still not being able to take action. to dry, to hold, to love. i freeze up and get lost. i'm too used to tears, but not others. please forgive me.


****************


and today is one of those days. everything is fucked up and i can't change my facts. computers are against me, hairgel is against me, money is against me, and people are against me. i breathe but i'm hardly alive.

this day and many to come.

i don't know what happened or why.
it wasn't something you said, so let it go by.
i was disappointed at my life, and you happened to point it out.
i felt i wanted to jump, or just light a joint then shout.
but i needed to feel bad for awhile.
i needed to cry to win back my smile.
at those times i need you the most, B.
coz when i can't, i need you to love me.

liten räddning en lördagkväll.

Jag medgav att jag undvikit, och sade att du också. Kanske för att vi båda sett det som det lättaste. Men du trodde inte vi gjort det aktivt. Att tiden var allt vi behövde. Bygga upp något mer än den intensitet jag levt och dött med förut. Bygga upp något som kanske erhåller sitt värde genom tiden, genom att långsamt så fröna till flerårig vänskap. Jag trodde dig, du var helt enkelt smartare än jag. Men ikväll fick du träffa den jag var förut. Jag sade:

att leva vid stupet redo att hoppa är inte samma sak som att leva vid stupet redo att falla.

Jag sade:

hon vill hoppa, jag vill falla.

Du sade:

fuck her.

something so beautiful.

it's hard to describe in words what you have come to mean to me. sisterhood and even further. we are not the same, just like me and B aren't. but still we are more alike than most. maybe just by the way we love each other. i will hide and protect you. love and defend you. laugh and cry with you. with you both. it's something so beautiful. //a.

sound & soul

i'm so happy we're finally there. a working studio. sound, soul, music, heart, brains, beats, lyrics. gah. the past year has been a fight to get where we are today. i'm glad i fought it with you. :)

check us out: http://themercenarycrew.blogspot.com

//alex - brains.

addiction.

it's scary how fast you get addicted to something, or someone. small things. like feeling the warmth of someone when you sleep. making tea for two. to never have nothing to do. not feeling lonely, ever.

he's just a friend. but still, i got addicted in a way. i got used to being two.

now the studio is usable and i return to the life i learned to live. //a.

my own devil.

"we are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." that's what wilde said and i believe him. there is no outer evil greater than the inner. we soar high above ourselves not realizing who we are and what we cause, who we hurt. we too often forget about ourselves - we blame others, because it's so easily done.

sometimes i remember myself too often. i remember that i might not feel as good about myself as i should. i know i'm loved - i've stopped questioning that. now i question "why?". i fail in loving myself, still to this day, and i can't understand what it is that others like in me. is it merely the fact that i love them?

i've come to realize that no love is greater than the one that is gotten back in return, because a part of what you love others for is their love for you. how can you not love someone who would die for you, even if you don't like them. this is my problem. sometimes i doubt i'm loved for something more than my love for others. that if i disliked someone they could not in any way see beauty in my persona. but if i love them that is the only quality they needed to find.

i'm happy. i am. really. but i'm still my own devil, and i need his words to make this hell a heaven. "i love you for you."

so i touched your hairy legs.

the weekend was amazing. and it didn't have anything to do with the tequila i drank or the way the dancefloor was spinning. it had something to do with the alcoholic honesty, your words on respect, your hugs and the way you dragged me home in a beautiful drizzle. it had something to do with the way i fell asleep in your arms, it had something to do with a spoon.

you talked of friends forever and i listened and believed. it was the way we watched brokeback and the way we knew it was about real love. the way we both want to believe we know what it is - even if not together. so i touched your hairy legs as a sign of affection. i never want to let that go.

but when i have to, i will.