sister

phonic adventures of all that's unexplored. fractions of something never heard of before.

i am so lucky i have my sister anna. the greatest gift ever is to have someone understanding my words and wanting to sing them, tell the world - all of this she gives me. my words have never been so at home.

we've found each other just this past year, and i'm so thankful. who could have guessed she'd turn out to be the amazing singer and musician that she is, and even willing to work with me. we share so much and i do believe i can give her something i never had at her age. wanting to be different, to make a difference is not easy where we come from. but i always tried to do it anyway, and i continue to, and so will she, with my support.

be on a look out for her EP. it's fractions of something never heard of before. expect no less.

who was i kidding?

i believed. i always did. but who was i kidding?
of course last night didn't turn out to be what i had hoped.
but she wasn't there. she really wasn't.
it was me that was disappointed.
me, me.
she wasn't there.
please, be happy for me.

complete

[in love with polaroids]

it happens very rarely, that i finish school projects before deadline. AND actually feel good about them. but today i finished my short film "r a s p", way before deadline, and i'm actually quite happy with everything from picture, to sound to the dvd cover. i made poetry through film. i said something. i made them matter.

tonight i'm not inviting the old alex. it's just me, and the boys, and sober dancing. i'm all smiles.

to hell with that

to hell with everything that isn't lying next to you, or him, only with silence understanding why we've closed that room for everybody else.





and to quote the movie CRASH:
"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

to know myself

l
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b
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y
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the pic is from a photo series i am working on. [all rights reserved]

two years ago a night like last night would have been total agony. maybe even a few months ago. but i know myself better now, i know the old me, i know how to process her into small fragments and live as the new me.
i could sit sober and talk to the guys drinking wine and beer. we laughed, talked music and sex and beauty and drugs. i had a great time. they did their best to get me to come with them to 'da club', but i refused. i have a cold, i partied last weekend, and i know what i can handle and not. and maybe i could have handled that night out, the feeling was warm and secure, i felt safe. but i know myself, and i know what i can get the most out of. and last night that was just coming home, watching some O.C. and then writing.
i have to choose what's right for me. two years ago i didn't know i had a choice, i lived in what i thought was the only possibility. but i was so off. i can always choose.


maybe i one day can live fully with all of this, maybe i'll always somehow live without. but i finally have a hard time believing that i'll never get through and over the past. i will, i know i will. it's not like it will ever be over. but i'll let it go.

the second, in a second

i have to edit this blog.
changes, for the better,
through words and tears.

i was confused, and i still don't know.
i tried to explain.
at first none of us wanted to understand.
and it seemed impossible.
but we've accepted what we don't know.
salvation. in some form.

i hated you when you said i don't try.
i loved you when you took it back.
we said too much we didn't mean.
we know each other too well.
well enough to hurt on purpose.
now we try not to.

i didn't know one could love like this.
please, walk away from this more whole,
don't break just because i'm broken.
do you know how many times you've saved me?

they don't have to understand,
as long as you do.
what they think is there
really is not.
i just love you with all i've got.

//2oo7, here we come, stronger than ever!