running

the past two days i've been running. it's less than a mile, and i don't even run half of that length. but still. i'm not running for health reasons, except perhaps maybe mental. i don't feel good when i run, i feel terrible. all those memories, and realities, and truths fall over me and it aches and hurts. but i need to feel bad sometimes, to get back to being happy. i don't run from my problems and my pain, i run within it.

today.

unsettling loneliness

i always claim you have to learn how to deal with loneliness, learn how to be alone. still it's the thing i'm worst at. i can't seem to get a grip on the dirty dishes, the canvas wanted to be filled with colour, or the book needed to be written. i just breathe anxiety while surfing through the web, maybe writing some lines here and there, chatting with nobodies and somebodies, and feeling terrible. i have no disciplin when i'm alone, i feel no calm. i need to get over this. it's not that i'm unhappy, happiness is only a short drive away. i just need to find it here too, with only myself as company. but... i don't want to find it now, i'd rather just rush off to find it in their presence. this is unsettling.

älska mig när jag är naken.

the paintings

the camera does not give a fair picture of these paintings and the colours are all wrong. but i'm not gonna care. i have them on my fucking walls, i know what they look like :)
the first one is called "sitt med mig när jag visar brösten" (acrylic on canvas, ink, steelwire). the second one is "plåster" (acrylic on canvas, ink, steelwire). last but not least; "your actions" (acrylic on canvas, ink, steelwire). the note says "our actions echo in the sands of time", something i uttered a few years back.

50 cent & bukowski

i never thought i'd be the kind of person who would go to hartwall arena to watch 50 cent and his g-unit. but i never thought i'd read bukowski either. this is a balance i live and love.

tomorrow we're off to helsinki and i'm sure it will be another of those perfect weekends. i've been in luck when it comes to the south of finland, the friends i have there, and the things i learn. going down with my crew for an awesome show, then going to the guru's crib to chill. it's all music to my ears, and oxygen to my lungs. in the company of people i love and respect.

if you leave - i wouldn't regret one euro spent or consider any day, hour, minute or second of this year wasted. you brought me life, i wish she could see.

"i am a writer. i am more interested in humanity in general than i am in pussy in the exact."
- c. bukowski, from his "tales of ordinary madness".