to know myself

l
o
v
e
d

b
y

y
o
u

the pic is from a photo series i am working on. [all rights reserved]

two years ago a night like last night would have been total agony. maybe even a few months ago. but i know myself better now, i know the old me, i know how to process her into small fragments and live as the new me.
i could sit sober and talk to the guys drinking wine and beer. we laughed, talked music and sex and beauty and drugs. i had a great time. they did their best to get me to come with them to 'da club', but i refused. i have a cold, i partied last weekend, and i know what i can handle and not. and maybe i could have handled that night out, the feeling was warm and secure, i felt safe. but i know myself, and i know what i can get the most out of. and last night that was just coming home, watching some O.C. and then writing.
i have to choose what's right for me. two years ago i didn't know i had a choice, i lived in what i thought was the only possibility. but i was so off. i can always choose.


maybe i one day can live fully with all of this, maybe i'll always somehow live without. but i finally have a hard time believing that i'll never get through and over the past. i will, i know i will. it's not like it will ever be over. but i'll let it go.