no, not today

i keep editing this post. i guess i don't know what words to choose to get this off my chest. it turns out wrong, from my perspective and yours. you need to understand i see it from both. i'm sorry for what i did and what i said, and i hope that you are too. i wish that even if you won't cry for me, that you could be sad instead of mad. this is just who i was, and whoever that was, she still lingers here. she always will. but if you love me, when i can't get near to loving myself, we can make her fade. we can hide her in the shadow of everything that has been wrong and hard in our relationship. we can hide her in the shadow of what we have now, or what we still can get back. this weekend brought too many tears, and no dancemoves or kisses on the cheek could make us forget. but forgetting is not what we need, forgiving is.

in short:
friday was spent at the hospital. you were there, and i couldn't have loved you more for it.
saturday i cried because of all that i thought i had left behind. you screamed at me to make me understand. i couldn't have loved you more for it. we danced for hours and i felt more than my face smile. but it lasted only for that short while. you drank and i misunderstood. you cried, told me stories, i believed and forgave.
today i thought we were okay so i cracked a joke to make it all better.
but now making this okay might last me forever.
you're the reason i'm breathing. i can't live if you don't love me.


can you love me?
- no, not today.

(so today, i am dead.)