thirty seconds to euphoria

today i finally went online to hunt down 30 seconds to mars. i dowloaded one song, and i was caught. i ordered the album a beautiful lie right away. i realized there are reasons to fall in love with jared leto over and over and over again. and this is what you think it is - the lonely teenager in me talking, she falls in love with all the sexy boys. but we all know that 9s marry 9s, and 4s marry 4s. i don't know where i'm on the scale, but i'll never marry jared.

but when i do get married, or if, maybe i should say - B's gonna walk me down the aisle, and it's with his blessing i'll love in peace. love you, bro.

//i'm twenty. i'm an adult.

lighting candles

make a stand. www.lightamillioncandles.com


House MD-marathon with B this weekend. one and a half seasons. in between cardiac arrests and "humanity is overrated" we managed to talk, he managed to get disappointed and i managed to cry. an average weekend for us i guess.
but he said that he just thought that if there was one person who could fully understand him, that it would be me. and it would, but no one can understand what even he can't. but if someone could, it would be me, and that's why he loves me. and vice versa.

sitt med mig när jag visar brösten

this has been such a good day. i've been painting and i actually love the result. maybe not so much because of the technique, the colours or existing or unexisting talent - but because of the feeling. the title is the title. i understand it, and so do you. that's enough.

i feel creative, and i feel appreciated for my work. yesterday i was asked to write a lyric, and i did it last night. today i got a short but sweet message: "dear alex! you're a genious!" lovely. i hope it's on the record later.

i also was asked to write something pro bono for my hometown's yearly magazine. it feels like a good thing to do. and i am a good girl, more or less.

and he said he was proud. i wouldn't settle for less.

sit with me while i show my breasts

that's why i love you.




she didn't believe me. i don't care. because you did. you do.
i said i was sorry. it was my fault. it feels almost good to say it,
to have gotten that far. a big step for me. it was my fault.
but you can't separate someone from the world they live in.
and i can blame my culture. no seriously, i can.
it sure as hell wasn't seriously meant. it sure as hell didn't
mean i wanted to make you look stupid.
it sure as hell didn't mean i had lost my love and respect for you.

truth will liberate us all. at least it did this time.




[he said: gonatt. bye. och vet du vad? love u.]

no, not today

i keep editing this post. i guess i don't know what words to choose to get this off my chest. it turns out wrong, from my perspective and yours. you need to understand i see it from both. i'm sorry for what i did and what i said, and i hope that you are too. i wish that even if you won't cry for me, that you could be sad instead of mad. this is just who i was, and whoever that was, she still lingers here. she always will. but if you love me, when i can't get near to loving myself, we can make her fade. we can hide her in the shadow of everything that has been wrong and hard in our relationship. we can hide her in the shadow of what we have now, or what we still can get back. this weekend brought too many tears, and no dancemoves or kisses on the cheek could make us forget. but forgetting is not what we need, forgiving is.

in short:
friday was spent at the hospital. you were there, and i couldn't have loved you more for it.
saturday i cried because of all that i thought i had left behind. you screamed at me to make me understand. i couldn't have loved you more for it. we danced for hours and i felt more than my face smile. but it lasted only for that short while. you drank and i misunderstood. you cried, told me stories, i believed and forgave.
today i thought we were okay so i cracked a joke to make it all better.
but now making this okay might last me forever.
you're the reason i'm breathing. i can't live if you don't love me.


can you love me?
- no, not today.

(so today, i am dead.)

FAQ

frequently asked questions this fall have been:
who am i?
what am i doing here?
what do i want to do with my life?
am i on the right track?
is this a shortcut turned bad?
will i succeed with what i do?
am i happy?

i feel like a teenager all over again, a bit lost, but still with hope that it shall all work out for the best. after stupid arguments i'm guaranteed a hug and an i love you - how many people isn't there in the world who don't have that? after failed assignments in school i get second chances to shine - how many can say they even got a first chance?

am i too lucky to know what happiness is?

.

i am an atheistic agnostic.