bizarre

the weekend in borgå with the loved ones was bizarre in ways i can never explain. it was all the booze and their unholy smoke. the way he held my hand softly. the way i waited to the very last minute to kiss him just as softly. the way i don't know if i will ever see him again.
my sisters, my brothers, from other mothers, from other worlds - we come together and i am not myself and i am myself more than ever before. on a train on the way home i listened to counting crows and i know there's always a reason if that's what i need, we need. mr jones and my green skirt, me humming in the night and his laughs. the one hour sleep, the sunrise walk we never took. and the way i waited to the last minute.

late sunday nights

i got a '77 minolta camera in my hand yesterday and rushed off to meet ulrika and try it out. we went crazy in the windy present with flashes and poses. at one point we laughed so hard i had to stop the car when i couldn't see anything because of all the tears. it had to do with latters and my stupidity. we will surely live a lot longer after that moment.

i hope the photos will turn out alright. it was a night worth saving. no matter if i get it in hard copy or not. i stumbled home sometime past midnight. i put on some wentus blues band and when i couldn't sleep because of nightmares i recited letters i'll never write.

//a.

p.s. as you can see some pics turned out beautifully.

filming - check!

now the filming is done and it's time for me to take over. in my solitude i will edit, color correct and bring out the essence of christian. i hope i will succeed.

the pic is of christoffer, my amazing photographer, and christian, the heart of the documentary.

BARNKALAS :)

my guests in order from left to right and down: alexandra, sonia, vijay, besfort (the birthday kid, turning 21!) and tommi. we ate cake and talked about sex. that's normal for a kid's b-day party, right!? :)

sweden.

for some reason i've never really liked sweden. at least not when i was younger. i guess i didn't see what others saw, i don't to this day. but lately i've found music that has turned me over, i've found futures that could turn me over even more. a fall with notes and cables. for a while, with b & t maybe, later on. and now i'm off to sweden for this easter-weekend. my family and my gradma' are visiting my uncle in kristianstad - and i can't wait. for real. just getting away, getting a chance to breathe. i'm gonna love every second of it. but imma miss u, both of u.

when i get back. //a.

p.s. i'm now writing on sonja bishop's new album and though it's not my style, or my own little creation i feel inspired. this is what i'll do for a living someday, in some form. and i'm loving it.

lessons learned

ray lamontagne with his "lessons learned" has got me bound.

[LaMontagne does not consider himself an entertainer; he writes, records, and performs his music and hopes that, in so doing, sheer passion and music will triumph. "I always just express myself," he says. "I just kind of let them go, my songs. There are songwriters and musicians out there who are entertainers. They have so much fun. I envy that sometimes. They're having such a great time."

For LaMontagne, songwriting does not exist as a task that one completes irrespective of whatever else goes on in the life of the songwriter: Instead, the work takes shape and flight as the result of what happens to the songwriter. "Songs come from different places," LaMontagne says. "Some are like exercises. They could be very good songs. But others come from more purely emotional places."]

last fractions

the last fractions of my sister's ep are now recorded. left is mixing and mastering. release in may. i feel so good about this. i feel like i'm actually doing something.

i had a good day today. the kind that makes you wanna take that next step, wake up one more day, live this life to its' end. a day walking around in the city with my best friend, drinking coffee and laughing over retirement, looking at cds we can't afford and watching old men throwing up. it's spring.

this scream is the past.