Monday, November 20, 2006

unsettling loneliness

i always claim you have to learn how to deal with loneliness, learn how to be alone. still it's the thing i'm worst at. i can't seem to get a grip on the dirty dishes, the canvas wanted to be filled with colour, or the book needed to be written. i just breathe anxiety while surfing through the web, maybe writing some lines here and there, chatting with nobodies and somebodies, and feeling terrible. i have no disciplin when i'm alone, i feel no calm. i need to get over this. it's not that i'm unhappy, happiness is only a short drive away. i just need to find it here too, with only myself as company. but... i don't want to find it now, i'd rather just rush off to find it in their presence. this is unsettling.

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