this is love

i have a new baby. IBM Thinkpad 600E, bought from t, utterly grateful.
it's old, it runs windows 2000, it has almost NO space, and very little memory.
all this doesn't matter right now.
it's small but sturdy. it's got the coolest surface ever.
and basically i just need something to write on, anywhere, anytime.
i need my journeys to east, west, north and south to be filled with words.
thanks to good friends and a little money that's now possible.

i'm full of hope even though budget numbers swamp
any good night's rest.
i believe that it's worth the effort
even though his silence sometimes kills me.

it's a good year. it definitely is.

LIEBE FÜR ALLE

berlin var en musikal. vi sjöng, kramades, viskades på toaletten, skrattade, drack, njöt, och gick och gick och gick.

jag saknade inte mycket där. jag bara förälskade mig, levde i nuet, såg, kände, föddes om och om igen. jag drack tequila med tyskar som hette moritz. jag sov i vita hotellrum och levde på färgglada ballonger och aluminiumfolie. vi fastnade i varandra, andades på varandra, betydde för varandra.

berlin gav mer tack vare sällskapet. tack till iik, john och tof. värdefullast.

jag förälskade mig i ett borta.

vi förälskade oss i möjligheterna.

vi förälskade oss i galenskap.

i vänskap.

i rivna murar.

LIEBE FÜR ALLE.

BERLIN FOREVER.

ode to dads

dads.

black bananas

filming is black bananas, not doing the dishes for weeks, drinking energy drinks and wearing dirty clothes. it's also laughing out loud, cutting terrible haircuts, shaving 12 years off someone's face with razors and make up. it's a bittersweet symphony.



i'm off to berlin with loved classmates. a guesstimation is that berlin will be music, photos, drinking and laughing out loud. i am for all those things. see you when i get back.



.a.





p.s. in the backwater of disappointment i found relief in loving you.

live music is better than sex

i'm quite sure i actually think so. imagine a big venue, big enough for personal space, still you feel some of your closest friends pressed up against you. you can feel their every heartbeat, clap and jump. you can see them sing along. imagine a band on stage. they play songs you've had with you for a long time, they play songs you fall in love with just then and there. again take a look at your friends. they're all singing the same words, same as you. and you believe whatever is said on stage, you believe every cell of skin rubbed against yours. you believe every note.

"du är värd att dö för."
"en undran vem som svek vem först."
"jag finns här för dig."
"håll mig hårt min älskling nu."
"dom skulle vilja vara som oss."
"men mot gummi, glas och metall,
betyder ett mirakel inget alls."


"visst känns det som att kärleken väntar."

dealing

things happen sometimes. to people you know. they might end up in a hospital, or in a new lover's bed.

i have to learn how to deal with all these things outside myself. these things barging into me, without notice. dealing with me being separated from these people and these things. dealing with me being too close.

i have a hard time.






and i am back in virtuality after months in a bigger place. back in the small, back in the cosy. back for how long? i have too many issues, let me get out of your hair.

2008

a new year with new expectations. so much turn out to nothing. it's a part of life. you can guess what turned out to nothing of the things i mentioned last time i wrote.

but i sing along to damien rice and keep myself from doing the dishes for as long as i can. i spend time with the best of the best and i sleep like a baby when he's close. i plan for recording sessiones and photo sessions and nostalgia sessions.

he takes a long bath and i'm close. i scrub his back and know that if there is something i'm supposed to do it is just that. keeping him clean. keeping him loved.

a.