i am nothing without my words

after a day to remember comes a night never to forget.

2011-05-22T15:52:00.000+03:00

love island

2011-05-17T13:42:00.003+03:00

a tiny glimpse from my new home.
the wood stove in my kitchen
is the center of the universe.

wicked ice

2011-01-23T13:55:00.002+02:00

turn one over and everything changes.

PROFILE PORTFOLIO EDIT 1

2011-01-19T10:23:00.005+02:00

Some of my latest portraits.
Thanks for the honor, Kicki & Punx.

RADIKAALIMARSSI 2010 - my story

2010-11-22T11:41:00.020+02:00

RADIKAALIMARSSI 2010 / HELSINKI SMOKE OUT / 20.11.2010

On Saturday November 20th pro-cannabis friendlies were marching from Hesperia Park to the Parliament Building in Helsinki to light cigarettes, joints, bongs and whatever else at 4.20 pm to protest the immoral law of criminalizing nature.

I was there.

We left our friend's place in Petolahti, Ostrobothnia early on Saturday morning. We were late. We drove down to Pori watching an amazing sunrise (but that's another story entirely). We found the bus, as well as two "undercover" cops and a happy labrador. The dog marked two of us four and our bags were searched. Not very thouroughly, it was definitely quite laid back cops who were mainly looking for major amounts of illegal substances.

No one was kept from going on board. I guess we were all experiencing thc-deficiency more than illegally transporting drugs. Heh. Same in Turku, everyone got on, and everyone was excited.

The trip down to Helsinki went smooth until 10 minutes from the city center. A police car was clearly waiting for us to make that certain turn when they came after us, pulled us to the side, and within seconds a second police car was also present.

They called it a routine control. They talked to the driver, checked the tires, the logs and everything else for 25 minutes until giving the driver a 140€ ticket for something ridiculous and finally let us drive on. To the press they apparently said that it was not to stall the participants. Which cannot be true. This was one of the most obvious, ridiculous moves I've ever seen the police do.

As we had no chance of making it to the park to march we went straight for the Parliament Building. A big crowd was already there, as well as 50 some visible cops, apparently around 80 in total. The participants in the crowd were peaceful and happy to make a stand. What was the hardest to grasp was the amount of policemen present. They pushed people off the stairs, even press (credited or otherwise), and in the end they only arrested three people, of which only two were given fines. What exactly did they think we would do? Storm the building?

Finnish hemp minister Timo Haara was present, talking to the press and his fellow friends in the 200+ crowd.

Lots of regular cigarettes too, just for the sake of it.

The first big pipe was lit at 4.20 and the police were quick to wrestle down the smoker. The pipe did not have any illegal substances in it though.I would estimate that at least half of the crowd were smoking cannabis and I was happy to see no more than three being pulled away by police. This was peaceful disobedience, the way it should be. There were no victims (except the ones being taken by the police).

Peaceful hippies could not understand the laws and the police paws.

And all that just for this: a peace pipe.

In the bus home one of the participants read the headlines from all major media. It got all of us in a good mood for the long drive, because hardly any of the headlines or stories were aimed at us. Even media is mostly criticizing the police resources being used in such a useless way.

The message we were trying to spread was clear; You cannot criminalize nature. You are not above it, but a part of it. Don't separate yourself from that which makes sense.

//soulmama (all the way from Pietarsaari, who participated unfortunately without breaking the law)

portfolio 2010 edit 1

2010-09-29T13:27:00.004+03:00

EUROTRIP 2010

2010-07-30T10:55:00.002+03:00

I just got back from a stormy trip through Sweden, Denmark, Germany and Holland. Burg-Herzberg Festival, the good kinda smoke, friends and family.

It was exhausting and awesome, and this is what I will show for it:

I'm off to CA!

2010-06-12T16:38:00.002+03:00

We'll be sharing everything here: www.annaphoenix.blogspot.com.

"Oh, California I'm coming home
Oh, make me feel good rock'n roll band
I'm your biggest fan
California, I'm coming home

[...]

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
More about the war
And the bloody changes
Oh will you take me as l am?
Will you take me as l am?
Will you?"

då jag började ifrågasätta kärleken själv

2010-05-29T15:20:00.002+03:00

Love is not a definition. But other things are definitions of love. I hope you recognize them. They are the way to perfect understanding (and being) of the word itself.

oro och osäkerhet är väl också ett uttryck för kärlek. om rädsla är en del av alltet (kärleken) så då är rädsla också kärlek. det betyder väl å sin sida att uttryck för rädsla (oro, osäkerhet) också kan vara uttryck för kärlek? villkorslös kärlek i all ära, men man kan inte förneka delarna av helheten. oro och osäkerhet och liknande känslor ska inte förnekas. men då man väl har vågat känna dem kan man ändra dem till något positivt.

till och med rädslan för att förlora någon kan aldrig vara något annat än kärlek. även om det är en egenkärlek. om man tror på förlust kanske man inte helt förstått och accepterat sanningen. men man kan fortfarande älska.

jag vill inte se kärlek som något sämre än villkorslös kärlek. även villkorslös kärlek kräver sin definition. definitioner fungerar inte för mig nu. jag vet nog vad jag känner - men om det inte är tillräckligt, eller på "rätt" sätt, eller enligt någon annans definition så må det så vara. jag kan inte älska på något annat sätt. inte (än)nu.

det är något också jag själv måste ta ställning till, idag och för evigt. en ständig förändring innebär att jag ständigt måste omformulera mig själv. göra mig till den jag vill vara. jag är någon som älskar. på det här sättet. just nu. imorgon älskar jag helt säkert på något annat sätt. om det märks vet jag inte. om det är enligt er definition vet jag inte.

men jag älskar. det vet jag.

och därför finns jag.

there's only one of us. focus.

2010-05-24T18:12:00.002+03:00

this weekend the universe has been giving and giving and giving. it has kept my mind open and i have had all the knowledge in the world. i have known my inner goddess. i have talked and smoked and believed. and loved.

coz i knew i was not to worry. i had to remain as the goddess. i had to have strength to laugh, although it seemed as the perfect lie. but it was truth. joy, truth and love. i was the goddess.

i hope the universe continues to give. and i know it does. i am grateful.

i just wish i could hold you,

and i wish that was enough.

POLYETISK DIKT

2010-05-21T07:50:00.003+03:00

alla trötta bankirhjärtan
drömmer om att rasera
deras monetära system.

alla trötta pastorshjärtan
drömmer om bokbål,
att förkasta den allsmäktige.

den allsmäktige som
fråntagit dem all makt.
den makt de fötts med.

kraften och tanken och friheten,
identitetsstölden.
en människas fångenskap
i trötta, trötta bankirhjärtan.

och ondskan bevisar
att hjärtan dör snabbast
på toppen.

2010-04-30T21:46:00.001+03:00

random hippies.

something so beautiful

2010-04-28T12:38:00.000+03:00

high on nature

2010-04-12T12:45:00.005+03:00

an intense weekend got its perfect ending with a walk in the woods.

too many trails for my taste, but i'm glad i dare to look at what's happening above me. those are no clouds. i'm sorry, they're really not.

Hey, Hugo

2010-04-08T08:38:00.004+03:00

Tomorrow, April 9th, we release the single Hey, Hugo. It is Univocal Music's first production, and a first sneak preview of Anna Phoenix's forthcoming album.

The two (the single also includes a duet with Sebastian Jacobson) songs featured will both be available for you to listen to tomorrow on Univocal's homepage, Anna's homepage and Anna's Myspace. Record Union are distributing the single digitally as we speak, and in a few short weeks you will find the single on most online music sites, to listen to or buy, such as Spotify, iTunes and Last.fm.

The single is released in loving memory of Hugo Nikula. It is dedicated to his family, friends and everyone else who is affected by Babylon's health care. To find out more you can contact me or maybe ask me tomorrow at After Eight when French singer-songwriter Nola performs (and Anna releases the single). Show starts at 8.

If you, like we do, hope for better mental health among young people and a development of the psychiatric care, please donate to: Hugo Nikulas Minnesfond, Aktia: 405500-1613657.

//a.

lovelovelove

2010-03-04T01:15:00.002+02:00

i have moments when it feels like it's all just too much. i might cry a little over that fact. and over all the reasons it feels like it's all just too much. but i soon realize that i can't erase this feeling of exploding, it's part of my experience. i could not go on feeling less when i have felt this much.

i have changed my mind about a lot of things lately. for one thing: they say you can't love someone else before you love yourself. it sounds nice and true, until you think about the soul. i think the phenomenon of not loving yourself is part of the brainwashing we've gone through. it's just an idea. the soul can't do anything but love. i think that even if you sometimes can't feel that love for yourself you can always feel it when you love someone else. especially as you always love others for the same reasons you love yourself. we are all the same. it's okay to sometimes want someone there to love, because through that expression you also express your own self-worth. ah, it's a beautiful thing.

it also teaches you what to look for when you seem lost for things to love about yourself. remember what you've loved in others, and what they have said to love in you. the truth is plain to see. love is not a hard thing, really. it's just so fucking mindblowing that it sometimes scares the shit out of us.

but we have infinite power to be whoever we want to be, and do whatever we want to do. that doesn't mean we don't need, want or deserve someone to hold hands with. as a matter of fact it's a big part of that power. we are here on this earth, in this body to experience love. in all forms, the stronger the emotion the better - the more you learn - the more you love - the better it gets... you see the pattern? everything is better. all the time. if you dare to love a little and believe that we are all one but born separate to experience this life, and each other, to finally find the feeling of being One again.

i still just have an idea of how it all works. but i'm on the right track. i love and i am loved. i have done something right.

'10

2010-02-28T15:07:00.000+02:00

footsteps in the snow.

._.

2010-02-20T19:06:00.002+02:00

move

2010-02-15T10:23:00.001+02:00

so i have to move. we're losing the studio and i'm losing my home. i somehow thought that when i move the next time it would be to somewhere else. this is an in between period i hadn't counted on. so it's stressful. i want to live in a place that has a soul. where i can get inspired and work. those places don't grow on trees. but i have hope. i have support. i know this will turn out for the better. eventually. in the meantime i will enjoy my last month here with pama the clown. much love.

omfg

2010-01-28T00:37:00.003+02:00

love.

now i have truly felt how it can hurt to love someone this much. i have also, finally, seen how beautiful that feeling is. not to know what to do, where to turn to, how to manage a feeling so strong that it breaks every boundary of the mind. it's a truly spiritual phenomenon. it took me 23 years and finally i know how i should live my life. even though it's hard sometimes, this is how much i have to feel and love to be one with everything around me. to love myself. i'm so humbled by the fact that someone taught me to teach myself how to truly trust that i am worthy. i owe that man everything.

i'm truly blessed to have had the chance to look into someone's eyes and see that i am truly beautiful and lovable. i hope that same someone can look into my eyes sometime soon and see just how amazing he is. i'm ready to give everything back, and fill us both to the point where we are overflowed by oneness and love.

i get what i deserve. and so do you.
the universe will hear me. the universe will see me.
and the universe will send all this love to him
whether or not i am there in physical form
to share his love for himself.

worth quoting

2010-01-22T15:36:00.001+02:00

An Pierlé - Nobody's fault

I've done it again
Something
Forced me to
Another piece in my collection
of plays with you

I've done it again
even several times
I guess it really takes a lot of beating
before you cry

Alright, I've been blind

But nothing ever happens
Some things won't ever change
And if I'm being inconsiderate
I'm ashamed

And it's always something different
The grass is greener on the other side
I guess I've always been a dreamer
With a dirty mind

But it's nobody's fault
And if someone arranged this for me
getting his kicks out of it
It's not my fault

I've done it again
I was weak again
I guess I lost my chance of heaven
Before it came

Alright, I've been blind

If something ever happens
And I've no chance to say goodbye
This is my way to say I'm sorry
One last time

But it's nobody's fault
And if someone arranged this for me
Getting his kicks out of it
It's not my fault

And if someone arranged this for me
Getting his kicks out of it
It's not my fault
It's not my fault

the journeymen

2010-01-20T20:21:00.003+02:00

i promote the journeymen nowadays.
these pics are from their gig at
el gringo in vasa, january 17th.
reggae love.

TRUTH

2010-01-16T17:47:00.003+02:00

"Om man är full av kärlek ryms ingen crap."

"If you're full of love there's no room for crap."

- Mickel Sahlström
a good friend indeed <3

trip

2010-01-11T17:48:00.002+02:00

this life is one hell of a trip.

jingle jams.

the first ride i ever fixed
for some of the journeymen.
they were no walking men,
but it might have reminded them
of a police transport in a country
long lost and forgotten.

sunrise, sunrise.

everything is love.
indeed.
even tomatoes.

bukowski

2010-01-07T15:20:00.004+02:00

my laptop is sort of named after him. charlie is the name of my laptop. she's a tomboy, but a real poet. just like bukowski.

“You begin saving the world by saving one person at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.”

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.”

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."

2009-12-31T15:02:00.002+02:00

relationships cloud the mind.

"Someday my pain / Someday my pain will mark you
Harness your blame / Harness your blame, walk through..."

m

2009-12-22T14:09:00.003+02:00

så här är det. läget alltså. jag har aldrig tidigare haft någon som jag har någon nu. någon att "vara gullig med". aldrig tidigare har jag levt så inpå någon och ändå lyckats behålla mitt jag. aldrig tidigare har jag varit så lycklig.

det är det jag tänker på då det är mörkt och kallt både utom- och inomhus. då det är just lite för många centimetrar mellan honom och mig. då vi missförstår. sen förstår vi igen. vi minns. hela den där långa ramsan om missförstånd - behov - svaghet - att veta att man inte vet allt - sedan minnas att man visst vet allt - sen ifrågasätta vad det där allt nu egentligen var - och sen fullständigt och uppenbart minnas och veta att allt är kärlek.

då vi kan håller vi om varandra. jag har sett det på tv bara. det där med armen runtomkring, mysa mysa och han kryper upp i min ryggrad så vi båda kan sova tryggt. sånt som man ser på tv, film eller streamat från megavideo. verklighetskärleken är här. den håller om mig, kryper upp i min ryggrad och under min hud.

nu blir det onsdag, torsdag (julafton! hmpf, firade vintersolstånd igår), fredag och sen. sen hoppas jag att han fortfarande vill vara gullig med mig och använda den där armen. kanske hålla mig i handen där på den där festen som kommer att bli så bra (JINGLE JAMS!) för att jag verkligen aktiverat mig och försökt uppbringa all kraft till att göra musikföreningen levande igen. jag kommer att presentera honom för människor. jag kommer att pussa på honom.

om han bara låter mig.

för det är ett medvetet val. han är ett medvetet val. och det är kärlek det. med armen och allting. det har varit ett bra år. det bästa året. jag har hittat hem, hem igen och än en gång hem. saker och människor och ting har fallit på plats även om allt är lika ovisst som tidigare. jag har blivit skivbolagschef, hippie och det närmaste man kommer till flickvän helt i enlighet med friheten vi valt åt oss.

2009. året då jag sade upp relation med min far, fick en ny mamma, startade skivbolag, började tro på kärlek och sedan fann sådan också. överallt och inuti. ett bra år.

//a.

any day of the week

2009-12-14T20:20:00.002+02:00

Saturday spent in hippie residence.

paulo coelho

2009-12-10T09:32:00.001+02:00

"No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

what i used to write

2009-12-09T18:13:00.002+02:00

I've been reading some of my own blogs. Old posts. From years ago. I said some beautiful shit then even though I felt anything but. Beautiful, I mean. Shit I probably felt like a lot of those times. But I wrote some beautiful shit. Then.

Now I question my ability to get shit done. To get shit written. I stare myself blind at my faults as he kindly points them out just by being there. By loving what I used to hate. Now I question my ability to get shit done. Now when they're trying to convince me to do what I do best. Oh, I want to. For them. But I don't know if my best is good enough.

There's a balance in the universe. We're never cold at the same time. There's always someone to warm the other. Now I wonder if that does me any good. If that will be beautiful shit when I get it written down. I wonder if I can get that written down at all.

Years ago I wrote:

"Me being here is not an act of fate.
Do I write as an artist or a rebel?"

Now I wonder if I write as an artist or a lover?
Where is the rebel in me that creates the art I love so dearly?
What is a lover's tale?

//a.

Univocal Women

2009-12-07T14:14:00.002+02:00

UNIVOCAL WOMEN is a joint effort between Anna Phoenix, Datle and Désirée Saarela. They played solo and together in a cosy livingroom environment last week. After Eight in Jakobstad and Skafferiet at Ritz in Vasa. Intimate and soulful. Three very different singer-songwriters, with three very similar messages. Love.

2009-11-23T14:09:00.000+02:00

"the

only

constant

is

change"

I am my own medication

2009-11-18T13:09:00.002+02:00

Things are spinning fast and I'm finding my Self more solid and passionate than in a long time. I know who's to blame, and I'm glad it turned out this way. People are worrying about getting sick instead of not worrying, staying healthy and believing in the powers of their own bodies. And the powers of love.

I'm no guru. But I for one has not seen enough to believe whatever media is putting out there. Or maybe I've seen enough to not believe it all.

I know what I believe in. My Self.

light

2009-11-05T13:12:00.000+02:00

this is what i feel.
light.
love.
and hope that is
100% pure goodness.

2009-11-01T20:54:00.001+02:00

anna järvinen played at ritz in vaasa on friday.
a superb gig with a superb singer and songwriter,
and a superb band.

"kom hem...
vem ska annars se på mig
som om världen var vacker bredvid mig..."

wilson <3

2009-10-30T12:38:00.002+02:00

"the best thing that you can do is take whatever comes to you."

words of truth a week like this. let's continue living with the flow.
the flow is pretty awesome, by the way, once you find it.
i lost it for a while but it's back. back to stay.

the warmest of beds, the softest of sheets.
the highest of highs, flows, existences,
loves, hopes, experiences.

a.

tingle

2009-10-28T15:00:00.002+02:00

Univocal Music has got an intern this week. That's awesome because it means I get work done too. Recording, PR, Photoshopping and much more. Very good indeed. The intern happens to be good at what she does, and an amazing singer too. This is a good week.

But again I'm facing a lot of big questions. I'm re-questioning everything once more. What is life, love and all the things, light and dark, that occur during the experience of both? A tingle in any part of the body as the bed grows warmer with company? An answer to a question never uttered? A statement made during one of those countless MSN-conversations? A smile?

Maybe the tingle speaks the loudest. Now I want to finish what was started, so I can miss it tomorrow. Re-experience it in my mind. Re-question nothing as answers settle calmly in between my sheets.

Tingle me, tingle you, tingle us together.
//a.

VW = LOVE

2009-10-19T14:42:00.003+03:00

I had the two most amazing photoshoots ever with Anna Phoenix and Porcelain the other day. A nice man let us use his Volkswagen cars for the shots I wanted. Much love in those old cars. And in the pictures. Can you see that?

two moms are better than one

2009-10-14T13:10:00.002+03:00

i officially have two moms now.
thank you universe for great progress
in the political department.

mom Leena and mom-mom:

<3

Opus Symbiosis

2009-10-05T19:15:00.003+03:00

One day the other week I found an old collection of poems. I was shocked at how much I actually had forgot about my life and my thoughts five years ago. There was so much nostalgia just reading the poems, then seeing Opus Symbiosis live at Doo-Bop Club in Vasa on Friday was the ultimate flashback for me. Lots of those poems told the story of my days with the band, hanging out in their rehearsal space, hanging out with them anywhere, writing and performing the hit song "alex rocks"... Being their first and true fan.

They still rock in general, and they still rock my world. There's something in the knowledge that I supported V in his lyricwriting, that I've been singing along to those songs all these years, that I've seen them grow the way I have - as people and as a band.

Opus still has a piece of my heart <3

Say goodbye to Hugo leaving

2009-10-01T00:14:00.002+03:00

I got terrible news today. I never knew him well, but we share a friend so deep in sorrow now I fear for both their lives. I am shaking just like he stuttered, and I am freezing as this night meets me upon the shoulder of goodbyes. All I can do is live, but what is life if not means to be there for each other? Those means, those possibilities, those tools, mean less and less to me tonight.

And I listen to Epitaph by King Crimson. And then I turn to Leonard Cohen. To speak my truth, honestly, just like he knows me. And that truth goes out to all of you:

Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The God of love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
They slip between the sentries of the heart.

Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
They gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
And radiant beyond your widest measure
They fall among the voices and the wine.

It's not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music. Alexandra laughing.
Your firm commitments tangible again.

And you who had the honor of her evening,
And by the honor had your own restored
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving;
Alexandra leaving with her lord.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin;
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined;
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for the occasion;
In full command of every plan you wrecked
Do not choose a cowards explanation
That hides behind the cause and the effect.

And you who were bewildered by a meaning;
Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

a night of jazzy tunes

2009-09-27T14:08:00.003+03:00

YESTERDAY I ATTENDED THE jeppis jazz festival. I REALLY COULDN'T AFFORD IT BUT WITH THE HELP OF SOME great FRIENDS AND SOME GOOD LUCK I GOT MYSELF A FREE TICKET. MAN, AM I HAPPY I DID! I SAW SOME REALLY awesome BANDS, INCLUDING; ANDREAS JACOBSON QUINTET, PETER ENROTH & CO, AMÉLIE GOES TO BELGRAD AND THE SOULFUL lotta kerbs & the napkins (PHOTOS).

OF COURSE I HAD TO CONQUER SOME fears JUST GOING THERE. I DON'T REALLY LIKE NIGHTS OUT WITHOUT A STEADY GROUP OF FRIENDS. I GUESS I FEARED THE THOUGHT OF BEING LEFT alone IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS. I'M GLAD none OF MY FEARS CAME TRUE. THE PLACE WAS JAM PACKED OF MUSICIANS, AND FRANKLY I SEEM TO KNOW A LOT OF MUSICIANS BECAUSE I MET SOME GREAT PEOPLE AND HAD A GREAT TIME! AND I DANCED! MAN, DID I dance!

THIS IS WHAT I PLAN TO DO WITH MY LIFE - I REALLY FELT IT COMING ON STRONG LAST NIGHT. LIVING within THE MUSIC, SEEING ALL THESE GREAT BANDS, MEETING ALL THESE AWESOME PEOPLE, AND FUTURE COLLEAGUES - AND KNOWING THAT ALL IT TAKES IS TALENT AND GOOD FRIENDS TO SHARE IT ALL WITH.

//a.

rock n' bottom

2009-09-17T13:11:00.002+03:00

I was pretty close on hitting rock bottom the other day. I guess it kills me to have to return bottles to afford food. Loneliness kills me too. But I didn't hit it. In fact I'm heading upwards again. I aim on floating around on the surface pretty soon.

It feel like I've been on the road with Porcelain forever, even though it was only two gigs last weekend. It was good though. I was low, but their spirit always gets me back up again. It's all about Benny, the missing wallet and spooning until knees break.

JISSES! I really do love my hippies.

//Sasquatch-lover.

2009-09-02T17:45:00.000+03:00

UNIVOCAL IS ONLINE!

2009-08-24T18:06:00.002+03:00

Check out www.univocalmusic.com and our services, artists and merchandise.

I had an amazing shoot with Datle the other day. Results will be up on Univocal's website soon, but so far this is one of my favourites.

part of the dream

2009-08-21T02:12:00.003+03:00

i've said many times these past few months that i'm living part of the dream. my dream. they say hope is the last thing that leaves the body. i guess dreams go right before that. plans you can toss out at any time. but dreams, man. hope. can't live without either of them.

i'm living part of my dream. maybe i'm even living THE dream. i have my own record label. i write my music together with awesome sister. my thoughts and feelings get heard. i have friends, and i get to be one. i'm always right by my friends when things go good or bad. they're beside me.
i'm with the band. THE band. i'm not in it, but i'm with it. i do whatever i can for them, practical things, and i won't ever fail as their groupie or friend. everyone needs someone to talk to outside the bubble, i'm that someone. i'm happy to be that someone.

i feel loved. sometimes more, sometimes less. but always, anyhow. i feel appreciated for my work, and for being there. sometimes more, sometimes less. but always. i could live without my friends. they could live without me, no doubt. but it would be both our losses. this is THE DREAM. i'm honoured to have these people be part of it.

i really do have a lot of love. i know just where to put it.

//a.

FREEFALL FESTIVAL o9

2009-08-16T22:11:00.004+03:00

Anna Phoenix & The Awesome Concept opened the FreeFall festival in Jakobstad yesterday. It was probably one of our best gigs ever. Porcelain went on stage later and performed wonderfully. My respect for them grows each day.
Business was also good for our record label which was represented in one of the tents. I truly believe in music. There is NOTHING like it. It's like the whitest shade of pale, and the brightest colours all at once.

PORCELAIN LIVE AT LIDSTOCK o9

2009-08-09T15:09:00.003+03:00

I was the ultimate groupie and spent all yesterday with Porcelain on the road. They played a great gig and I'm happy to be part of their crew. A whole lot of love.

THE AWESOME CONCEPT

2009-08-03T14:10:00.004+03:00

Kontext, Konvex, Konfitti & Konkav <3

so anna phoenix played at island in the sun on jurmo this weekend. it was awesome. we were awesome. i haven't laughed that much at "that's what she said"-jokes before. i haven't gotten sunburnt and mosquito bitten that much before and loved it anyway. the boys were truly awesome and i almost wish they didn't have their own (awesome) band so we could have them to ourselves forever and ever.
there's so much to say about the trip but it's all insider and you wouldn't understand anyway.

i love you. now THAT'S what she said. <3

pink floyd

2009-07-26T14:45:00.002+03:00

i saw them last night. well, sort of. other cover bands should watch out because last night's show was incredibly tight and felt incredibly short for a two hour set!

it was just like the parties i've blogged about before. the same group of hippies hugging and dancing while singing pink floyd. the only difference was the fact that K was on stage and we were surrounded by a bunch of Finnish people. And Leo of course.

<3

AND THE MISKEY-WHILKSHAKE!

2009-07-10T14:48:00.004+03:00

So there was THE GREAT BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION this week. Me and a friend celebrated our joint 45th birthday together with those hippie pranksters from hell. Gladly (or sadly) there are no pictures from later that evening when the nudist club had their (our) first meeting. No miskey-whilkshakes or DIREKTÖRER made the spotlight. GLADLY.

We started out at 3pm or so. By 8pm I think I got married. A whole bunch of us actually. Las Vegas-wedding? Yes, please. By 11 we were playing Truth or Dare. Too much was said and done, but we won't mind. Sometime around midnight we made it to the sauna and to the water. By 2am I think we finally ate dinner. What happened after that is mostly a beautiful blur. By 6am we hit our beds with Gilmour on the stereo.

Birthday people. Recently married.

Cutting the cake.

Hippie braids. Of course.

Lovable Harju with braid.

Yes, I managed to take a nice photo late at night.

But this is sort of how the night ended.
The rest is censored.

Thank you, hippies. I love you lots.

2009-07-07T13:11:00.000+03:00

that's not okay.
that's not fair.
it's not anywhere near okay or fair.

damn it.

[miss]understood

2009-07-01T20:21:00.003+03:00

i said everything i wanted to say in those lines. i realize that not everyone get my words, their meaning, their order and what's said between the lines. i'm glad that's the case. they're not for everyone's ears, so to speak. but i said those things for someone to get it. i do expect a response. maybe i shouldn't. maybe i shouldn't say those things, spill the beans in the manner i tend to. maybe i shouldn't put secrets in lyrics - just in case someone actually got the point. someone who shouldn't have. then again - i live for the way i strip my soul. in my head my thoughts do no good. in my head the things i want to tell people do no good. the people should hear those things. honesty.

i said everything i wanted to say in those lines. spread out over a couple of songs and blogs. but it's all there. did he get it? like, really get it?

do i want him to?

past/passed lives

2009-06-28T22:16:00.002+03:00

this week i confirmed my belief in the soul, the brain, the paranormal and the presence of someone. i got a lot of other things confirmed too. i guess that makes this week a good week, even though i'm coughing my lungs out.

for everyone asking: no, i don't have a job. i haven't heard about any job offers. i'm not really looking for a job. i have no interest in working this summer.
i freelance. i do okay. i manage. for the first time ever i don't know what will happen next. it's so uncertain, but a certain fact. it actually keeps me calm. the possibilities are endless, and i'm not looking into any of them at the moment.
i am writing, playing, drinking, fucking, living, kissing, listening, sleeping, coughing, and spending time with those who matter. it's not a bad life, this hippie life. i do okay. i manage.

i don't want this life to pass me by, i just won't let it. working 9 to 5 isn't my thing. starting a family, having children, cats, dogs and picket fences isn't my thing. this is. this is my thing. i do okay. i manage. i love.

PROPAGANDA

2009-06-26T18:34:00.002+03:00

Check out www.annaphoenixmusic.com for gigs!

And once again - this band is one to keep your eyes and ears peeled on!
www.myspace.com/porcelainprog

THE GREAT MIDSUMMER EXTRAVAGANZA

2009-06-22T18:20:00.002+03:00

yes, it was pretty much everything that anyone could want. by the water, sauna hot, alcohol running through veins and bones. friends, oh, the friends. barbecue exploding, on the roof with fear and love. extravagant, yet not dramatic. i guess i sometimes miss the drama. the touch of a mistake or a let-down. i know them so well. i embrace them always. but maybe quiet happiness is something i should get to know better. explore. from drama to silence. the complete trip. this is phase IV. i don't want to be scared.

//a.

things happen

2009-06-06T23:37:00.003+03:00

these past few days have been filled with insights. almost too many to handle. i'm gonna write them down and i'm gonna try to take them all in. you do the same.

you have to be open for love in which ever form it's given.

and when things happen, like they always do, don't be afraid to live in the NOW, and then to leave it there. it can be a bubble in time that have no negative effect on the past, the present or the future. carry the insanity of the moment with you as a reminder of living right here and now is a good thing. so, regrets aren't always mistakes. true. but regret is still a negative feeling, very useless in the end. take that bubble and:

keep it somewhere just beyond the borders of reality, some place close enough to insanity to make it pleasurable. regrets never result in progress.

i believe in love. in which ever form. and when you express love, or receive love, in which ever form - don't regret it. appreciate it. acknowledge that you're worth that love.

things happen. they really do. and it's always for the best - if you make it that way.

i need a softer world

2009-06-04T12:21:00.002+03:00

it's like they tell me stuff exactly when i need to hear it.
please bookmark these geniuses.
A SOFTER WORLD.

LOVE FEST!

2009-05-31T18:47:00.011+03:00

Oh my, it took me nearly 23 years to experience the ultimate party. It was held at my place last night. I can't even describe the love I felt both physically and emotionally. It was the most beautiful heartache ever.

We hugged.

We drank.

We played.

We laughed.

We opened up to each other.

We played for the masses too.

We even played with the masses.

We kissed.

We hugged some more.

And maybe we even had our low moments when we thought about life.

NOVIA - the end of another era

2009-05-29T22:31:00.001+03:00

I GRADUATED!
along with these two lovely freaks!
(photo by the one and only tof)

LAFO - the end of an era

2009-05-21T00:36:00.002+03:00

There's not a word, nor a picture that could sum up the past couple of days, the last days, at Lappfjärds folkhögskola. There's so much love, so much sadness. I'm equally confused and certain. There are people I will always remember, and some that I won't have to because they're already a part of my everyday life.

Lafo is one kind of home, and always will be ours. It's the end of an era. But even as it ends I know it will last forever. It's love.

nostalgia, the known and the unknown

2009-05-17T14:47:00.002+03:00

i am reading words and sentences that made sense way back. some of them still hold up. the don't touch me:s and the let go:s. some things come back from time to time while some never disappear. some are lost forever. for better or for worse.

whatever's new in my life seems easier to handle than before, when everything was a roller coaster and i had no safety belt on. i seem more prepared and at the same time i care less. it's not that i don't feel anything - oh, i feel plenty. it's just that there's a different kind of up-side to everything. and if there's not, i make one up.

there are some butterflies and some pink exclamation marks. and the left side of my brain can't get the best of me. not anymore. i am proud, i am brave, i am stupid. i like this me better.

2009-05-12T18:57:00.001+03:00

for now, this is where we're at.
UNIVOCAL MUSIC

porcelain

2009-05-10T23:22:00.006+03:00

friends of mine live at madison yesterday. see them live in tampere this friday at emergenza!

porcelain on myspace

still kissing cowboys

2009-05-06T23:42:00.003+03:00

spring hit me, and it hit me hard. right now i seem almost too carefree for my own good considering i have no job, no money, and really nothing going for me. but that's not true, really. i have jobs, they don't pay much, but i'm needed sometimes. i have money, at least enough to pay the rent and get some food in me (pasta and pesto that is). and i have a lot of things going for me. like my education, my incredible talent for turning just about anything into a dirty joke, and that new dress that made me get some looks tonight. so you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover? with you i must admit it can't be one without the other. i sing along to janis and big brother and the holding company and i sing loudly. maybe you'll hear me and we'll ride off into the sunset and in those orange flames i'll make you squirm.

i don't want the world to see me

2009-04-19T20:35:00.005+03:00

skåne, sweden - a place to love.

the family set out on a journey.
the best mohmohli ever came with us.

this is what we arrived to.

uncle tomas had his debut exhibition!
(www.furubacka.se)

he shared the space with michael carlsson.
(www.michaelcarlsson.se)

and we saw the ocean that i love so much.

so i've been singing the blues lately.
but skåne just can't keep me down for long.
i'll be back soon.

and i found this little girl on a floor today.
the cutest iris in the entire world.

LOSS, LOST

2009-04-02T22:04:00.001+03:00

LADY

5.11.1995-1.4.2009

i will love that dog forever.

lottery

2009-03-27T20:59:00.002+02:00

i guess life is sort of a lottery. i have no summer job, after all. stupid of me to count on it. i have dreams that don't fit my wallet. i struggle with deadlines and the crowd inside my head. i count euros and fear true poverty. but i won't settle for less that a decent way of living, even if it means less money, and more peace of mind. and an empty schedule. well, i plan on winning the lottery tomorrow, so it will all work out.

a.

r.i.p. pepsi

2009-03-13T22:11:00.002+02:00

yeah, so sometimes i hate cats. but i never hated mine.
stay close, pepsi. like your brother.

take a great friend...

2009-02-25T22:29:00.001+02:00

... and add some red wine.

and these:

...and you've got yourself a night to remember.

//a - full of sääärlek.

ice, ice, baby!

2009-02-06T14:04:00.005+02:00

it seems i've been writing everywhere but here. anything but blogs. well, so be it. i'll just share with you certain details of my car this morning. ice storm?

i am melting.

eccentric, goodbye

2009-01-13T16:47:00.001+02:00

a really old light in the family got turned out today.
i hope i'll see her in the states or in rio someday.
rest in peace, m.

DO THE HUSTLE!

2009-01-04T19:51:00.004+02:00

It was definitely a night to remember,
even though I don't, fully.
It was doing the hustle, it was fake cocaine,
it was free booze
and some of the most beautiful people I know,
inside and out.
I need to thank those who were there with me,
dancing, drinking, getting me
to a pull-out couch safely.
I need to thank you, for letting me forget,
for letting me remember.

SMANDEROON - the party!

2008-12-27T19:52:00.003+02:00

One more party you need to be at.

Celebrating the movies, the cult, the frenzy!
2.1.2009 - 8 pm @ Novia, Nykarleby.

Special guest appearance by David Oscar Baudouin - return of the guy with three kingly names.
AND a special preview of SMANDEROON! 4K.

FREE ingredients include powdered sugar, liquor and beer for everyone!

Dresscode: 70's - the less the better!
Make-up: The more the merrier!

GO HERE: www.smanderoon.com!

WELCOME!

2008-11-20T18:07:00.002+02:00

doo-bop-pam-pam-pa-da-doo-bop

2008-11-13T17:11:00.001+02:00

and so i discovered zappa.
when it comes to some things
i'm a real late bloomer.

purkissa

2008-11-03T16:31:00.001+02:00

the album is in the can.
now mixing and mastering will
lead up to the beautiful date 5.12.
oh, sweet release.

"feedback whore"

2008-10-25T17:36:00.002+03:00

another genius expression by me and m from late last night. i don't know when my life became fucked up in a good way. i don't know when i became so aware of my patterns and personality. i don't know when i decided to cave in and refuse to change those patterns, to change my personality. but i'll run with it for as long as i can, run while taking baby steps towards some sort of sanity. oh but don't i love insanity?!

let me share a lyric that got to me on a long ride home from another home:

the fight song - ane brun

I'm gonna fight
this fight
and try to get out of here
and I'm going in with my life
to make sure that you'll disappear

and I will mount you
press my knees on both sides
and you will let me
let me ride

and if you don't then I won't
leave you galloping in my national park
I'll track you down
'cause I know
every corner of this countryside

and I will mount you
press my knees on both sides
and you will let me
let me ride

I'll pull your mane
as hard as I can
stick my fingers in your mouth with my cramped-up hand
until you stop
then I'll try to get off
still I'm hanging in your body parts

even though you are ten Goliats
I'll hold, I'll hold at least your head
and as I rest on my wounded left
I'll kick you randomly in the chest
and I'll show you how ribs can capture air
and leave unbearable pressure

and when you're down
I'll lay beside you
I'll catch the remaining glimmer in your eyes
and then later I'll ask you
as my last and final rescue

now you know
tell me why
and then I'll let you
I'll let you ride

"i miss the ground in ecstacy"

2008-10-16T20:36:00.002+03:00

my happiness is no longer bound to one or two. i see the bigger picture, i know what road i'm on. i love that life's not a destination, but a journey. one i'll be on with you, all of you, for years to come. i plan ahead while living here and now, i'm not doing one thing i don't feel like.

i have a pattern which is more than just bad for me. but i'm working inside and out to make me right. i know what road i'm on. it's beautiful as hell.

thanks hanna for an awesome shoot:

tequila mama

2008-10-04T17:21:00.002+03:00

lafo's first gig this year was held at corner's pub october 1st.
i was there. at least when i wasn't out in my car drinking with punkrockers and drummers and producers and other cool people. everybody rocked, at least as far as i can remember.

i'm tequila mama and i'm fucking loving it!

funk yeah

2008-09-27T17:41:00.002+03:00

i'm networking,

and i'm addicted already.
i'm with people that have ambitions,
heart, soul, creativity and greatness
built right into them.

ice, ice baby

2008-09-11T23:06:00.001+03:00

this morning i scraped ice from my wind shield.
that just ain't right.

and this is sonia baby:

to share or not to share...

2008-09-01T22:17:00.001+03:00

... a bed?
... a moment?
... a life?

... a single one line sent late one night to the one person that couldn't handle that one line. or could he? it had something to do with hands.

i have a statement: women are the new men.

GENIUS!

2008-08-23T13:13:00.000+03:00

GET INVITED!

2008-08-20T19:41:00.000+03:00

SEX

2008-08-12T21:22:00.003+03:00

i found a new place to be.
it's a part of life.
i'm glad someone around here
dares to say it.

there will be a party soon,

featuring:

dicky straws <3

IT'S THE WRONG TIME FOR THE RIGHT THING

2008-08-08T13:01:00.003+03:00

not like this, not like now.
i don't wanna go it alone.

my skin is bare

2008-08-05T20:14:00.000+03:00

2008-08-03T15:52:00.004+03:00

it started off as the safe way out, to get her there,
just for a while to see that we were cold enough to care.

i appreciate those little things of beauty in everything we've seen.
their way of dancing, drinking, licking with no intention to be mean.

but we moved on with the pact to never return.
their pathetic ear licking made all of us burn.

a little bit of red wine in a place where i once grew,
a little bit of chit chat and a stupid fantasy to make come true.

we fucked the beach and the setting sun,
we found new places where things come undone.

lately i've been thinking that life's a fucking mystery.
i've been beaten, used, they tested me.

i will live to tell that drinking when you shouldn't
sometimes is the way to go.
coz if you never try it then i'll never know.

***

synden straffar sig själv säger hon och skrattar.
men så fucking välbehövligt ändå.
att inte göra som man borde,
utan att göra precis tvärtom.
hickarö, aldrig mer och ändå för alltid.
hästöskatan, med nostalgi och solnedgång.

ja sitten;
mä oon humalassa kokkolassa.
taas.

han blev ledsen på ett vackert sätt.
han sa nuet, fem sekunder, resten är ingenting.
vackra, vackra människor.
två nätter i sträck.
i don't deserve this.

ucking

2008-07-28T17:14:00.004+03:00

i have trouble dealing with things changing. i have trouble dealing with goodbyes.
i have trouble dealing with people, trouble dealing with lies.

now i try to write my anxiety off, try to write it all away.
i try to write myself righteous, i try to write myself to stay.

i fucked the world and it fucked me back.
i loved and grasped for air, had a heart attack.

i was touched but i can't repay what i got, not until you're dead.
i tried to love the world, i even gave it head.

see, things fall to pieces even when they're good.
things go on and away, much like they should.

but i have trouble with things changing, being my own boss.
i have trouble with the things i win, to me they're the future loss.

//A.

PREMIÄR

2008-07-18T14:36:00.006+03:00

INTRESSANT HANDLING
PREMIÄR 19/7
KL. 14.00
KINO CITY, JSTAD

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

jag inleder snart min sista vecka på tidningen där det ligger skelett av småfåglar på innergården. på tidningen där säkerligen ett par hundar också ligger begravda. men det har varit en bra sommar arbetsmässigt. jag har inte stressat över detta jobb, men dock andra.

jag är ganska sönder, ganska nöjd. jag är fortfarande paradoxal.

2008-05-28T22:51:00.000+03:00

this is no longer my heart.
maybe i'll find a new one in italy.
see you after that.

young&drunk

2008-05-25T16:03:00.003+03:00

someone told me yesternight
that friendships aren't relationships.
i think he should re-think that.

boys are stupid.

2008-05-20T21:00:00.004+03:00

throw rocks at them.

just a place i miss.

i've been working for a week. helping out at the local newspaper which is chaos&total madness right now. when two newspapers decide to come together no one should think it's gonna be easy. ever.

on thursday i'll find out what kind of interesting music classes i can take in the fall. music history, production, styles... it will be awesome.

on saturday my sis' is playing a small acoustic gig at after eight's fabulous bazaar, an artsy fair where artsy people get together. after that i will rush off to vasa where another café is trying to open. there will be a fundraising where we will show a couple of movies made recently. it's exciting even for me, i haven't even seen the finished version of the latest creation!

and theeeen - party time! i feel i have the right to party, and i will do it with the best. nothing can stop me now. i am young!

//youngster&hoodlum

"i'm not there"

2008-05-04T22:35:00.003+03:00

you should see that movie whether or not you know bob dylan. you should see it whether or not you believe in the power of words or music. poetry, expression, caring about the people. you should see it.

i despise the seventh rule of hiding, even though it's true:

"never create anything. it will be misinterpreted. it will chain you and follow you for the rest of your life, and it will never change."

//"sleep is for dreamers."

interesting plot

2008-04-29T21:34:00.003+03:00

nine days of shooting and i'm out of breath. partly because i'm tired and it never seemed to end, partly because i'm sad it ended so soon. this is our first production that i really felt went well. the crew was incredibly put together even though the early mornings and late nights wanted to get to us. the cast was a talented one, outgoing, and wonderful. i hope to only work with actors and actresses like these in the future.

teamwork is something i fall so hard for. the rhytm and flow a dozen humans can come up with using cameras, lights and each other. working with t as a cinematographer was difficult at times, like always, but the result of our nagging usually turns out great. i am proud of what we've done.

this is the kind of movie that is made to influence and inspire others to make better movies. this was a parody needed to be made. i am glad i did it with you. all of you.

she said: you must be really great friends.
i shook my head, and smiled. but i guess we are.

with love, peace and film,
alex.

the two brothers mettler

2008-04-08T20:52:00.002+03:00

pierce & reed.

now i miss my brothers from overseas.

små, små gåvor

2008-04-06T20:33:00.002+03:00

jag har ett nytt skrivbord som tydligen genomlevt en del. med på köpet kom ett kort.

"

Stockholm d. 27/1 -72

Hej Krister!
Tack för kortet från Mariehamns "City"! Vilken storresenär du plötsligt blev. Jag blev väldigt glad också över kort + hälsningar från Helsingfors.
Har ofta tänkt på dig och undrat hur du haft det. Nu hoppas jag - och det vet du nog säkert - att allt skall ordna sig för dig. (Har du skaffat dig en sparbanksbok förresten?...)
Jag har det ungefär som vanligt. Jag har fina kolleger och elever också för all del, men nog blir det påfrestande ofta att alltid anpassa sig efter vuxna elevers barnsliga krav och temperamentsfulla utbrott.
Många hälsningar
från Lola.

[Du är sällsynt!
Du förtjänar en sällsynt trevlig födelsedag också!]

Men tala bara om för mig när den inträffar!

PS. Parentesen får du inte uppfatta som tjat, den kanske verkar dum men är välment. DS."

På kortet finns också aningen malplacerade korta meddelanden som:

"Du har väl skaffat dig vettiga vinterkläder??"

och

"Tina mår fint och hoppar lika högt - med elegans - som förr."

Jag tror kortet för lycka med sig. Och jag som aldrig tyckt riktigt om katter.

//A.

betrayal & the way i overcome

2008-03-28T00:20:00.004+02:00

"regissören"
there's a premiere at a café close to you. soon.

we all live by different rules, follow different moral guidelines. i accept it but still call it a betrayal. it's a good thing i know who i have beside me, behind me.

i ride chaos like a cowboy, spanking its white ass 'till it bleeds. i have too much going for me to give in to breakdowns and tears. i have too much strength in me to just not use it.

when silence speaks louder than words i try to drown what's not said with things not meant. it's childish but it keeps me afloat.

this weekend will be interesting. and i think there's a lyric waiting to be written.

//A.

this is love

2008-03-20T13:14:00.003+02:00

i have a new baby. IBM Thinkpad 600E, bought from t, utterly grateful.
it's old, it runs windows 2000, it has almost NO space, and very little memory.
all this doesn't matter right now.
it's small but sturdy. it's got the coolest surface ever.
and basically i just need something to write on, anywhere, anytime.
i need my journeys to east, west, north and south to be filled with words.
thanks to good friends and a little money that's now possible.

i'm full of hope even though budget numbers swamp
any good night's rest.
i believe that it's worth the effort
even though his silence sometimes kills me.

it's a good year. it definitely is.